The United States Junior team celebrates their 6-5 gold medal victory over Canada
The United States Junior hockey team ended Canada’s gold medal streak at five yesterday, in what was a thrilling 6-5 overtime victory. Many factors were at play in this emotional, back-and-forth game that provided a plethora of excitement at each end of the ice. Neither of the starting goalies appeared to be ready to deal with the pressure, and the U.S. made the first move to pull their starter, Mike Lee, after his third goal allowed. Canadian coach Willie Desjardins allowed Jake Allen to die between the pipes for Canada, in a game where his focus clearly wasn’t sharp. Multiple American goals were on shots that should have been routine saves if Allen was in proper position. In fact, Allen played so poorly that his junior team in the QMJHL has literally traded him from their roster. An unconfirmed report noted that a high-ranking team official for the Montreal Juniors, Allen’s former team, was overheard saying, “we don’t want to have Canada’s national embarassment playing for us every night. No way. Frankly, he was tough to trade… Luckily Drummondville stepped up and offered us a 10-pack of new sticks and a neat little bag to hold our pucks. That will be really convenient after a practice!”
Team Canada head coach Willie Desjardins: traitor to our country?
However, we here at DKM did some digging, and it appears that the loss can’t be put solely on Allen’s shoulders, as there may have been more at play here. Two pressing questions emerged in the wake of the game: 1) Why did Canadian head coach Willie Desjardins leave Allen in the game long after it became evident that the kid wasn’t on? 2) How did the Americans know that Allen would fall to his knees like a two-dollar whore every time they shot, enabling goals upstairs like there was no tomorrow? Well, we have the answer.
Coach Willie was out the previous night eating ice cream with one of the American players mothers, undoubtedly spilling secrets that she revealed to the American squad before the game. Before the game, Desjardins players confronted him about “eating ice cream with the American chick” one night before the biggest game of their young careers. This isn’t the first time a coach has been discovered by his team taking a babe out from the opposing team the night before a big game.
Coach Gordon Bombay (right), and the Iceland chick
At the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games, Team U.S.A. coach Gordon Bombay lost the respect of his locker room when he was spotted with the trainer for Iceland’s team the night before a big game. Fans everywhere were shocked by Bombay’s reprehensible actions, and his team was soundly squashed by Iceland the following day. However, the times have clearly changed as the Canadian junior team was able to come out and put aside the distractions to pull off a stirring performance that almost resulted in victory. Some players refused to comment, and Allen was clearly not trying as a means of protest against Desjardins’ actions. However, the majority of the team didn’t seem to mind at all. Forward Jordan Eberle, a Canadian junior hero with 14 career goals in the tournament, said that “I have nothing against Coach D. He’s just a squirrel lookin’ for a nut man.”
Grizzled teen Ryan Ellis was in support of Coach Desjardins actions
Defenceman Ryan Ellis, who plays for the OHL’s Windsor Spitfires was even more elaborate. “Frankly, I’m used to this kinda stuff,” Ellis stated. “Coach Boogs (Windor head coach Bob Boughner) and Uncle Grandpa Warren (Windsor GM Warren Rychel) are danglin’ broads all the time. Seriously, after the Memorial Cup last year, they had a kegger at Boogs’ house. It was wall-to-wall pussy. Rychel was hittin’ shit all night, it was unbelievable. Some of the younger guys were flustered and didn’t really know how to react. I sure as hell dove right in. I’ve never seen so much young vag in my life, and unless we win the Mem Cup again this year, I probably never will again.” Fellow Spitfire and Team Canada teammate Taylor Hall shared Ellis’ sentiments. Hall said, “Yeah, I was one of the younger guys who was a little timid last year because of my age and my Mr. Ed face, but I’m motivated as hell to win the Pussyfest 2010… I mean, the Memorial Cup, again this year, so I can fully take advantage of it.” As word spread about Boughner’s motivational tactics, junior players across Canada were petitioning that he be named the head coach of next years’ squad. Brayden Schenn, who has one more year of eligibility for the Canadian team, said “I think Boughner would be a good choice. Coach Desjardins was looking out for pussy for himself, but I hear Boughner spreads the love. I want in on that.”
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